Reteaching loveliness: Saint Francis and the Sow

goodbye

2009-08-05T19:18:00.001-07:00

My money thing is going really well this month. Only here's the thing: I feel silly writing about it not knowing if anyone cares to read it--I know I'm doing well. So. If you are reading this shoot an email to eredblue@gmail.com and let me know and I'll write my plan and totals so far. If you come across this in years to come ;) and wonder how I fared, you can email about that too and I'll clue you in on any hot tips I discovered. Otherwise, I'll get back to blogging when I have something to keep myself accountable for that doesn't already require pen and ink.

Henry's: let the madness begin

2009-07-30T07:09:00.001-07:00

Today we went to the bank and withdrew 240 dollars in cash. We went out to eat the other night and spent the rest of July's food budget and 10 from August but it was a good time and a calculated decision. I figure 240 divides better among 4 weeks anyway... ;)
So yesterday the circulars came and I have never been so excited to receive "junk mail" before but I was. I compared everything on my list of things we like to have on hand at some point during the month and came up with a game plan. I walked into Henry's with a list that looked something like: "peaches, zucchini, yellow squash, rolled oats, blueberries, green pepper" as these are all things that we either use consistently or that I would like to make something of since they were on sale (I'm looking at you, vegetables). Want to know how much I spent? For one green pepper, 2 zucchini, 1 squash, a bag of oats, 3 peaches and *2 pints of blueberries* I paid a whopping $4.16.
I did not forget to put a one in the 'ten's place.'
I was so excited. Of course then I went to subway (because we were hungry, because yesterday was long and there was nothing ready to eat in the house) and bought two foot longs--but I used a coupon so that was $8.97 I think. Still comes out of the old budget, but watch me go! I'm planning meals this morning and then hitting the other grocery stores later on.
Whooppeeeee

Updating the Plan

2009-07-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've made a list now of the things we buy on a regular basis and I put them on a spreadsheet and have done some research--I've written in the price of various things at Food4Less and Trader Joe's to see what the comparison was (embarassingly enough, I really had no idea about the price of many, many things...) and it turns out the majority of things we buy are cheaper at Trader Joe's--sometimes because of actual price and sometimes because the difference in quality is so distinct we're willing to pay more. I was surprised to find that, I have to say. But F4L has things they don't have at TJ's and we long ago discovered F4L is less expensive than say Albertson's or Ralph's. But anyway I intend to look through grocery fliers (another thing that will be new to me) and see what's on sale that's *already* on our list of things we keep on hand and go with that. I was thinking of following the usual advice of 'look through circulars and plan meals around the sales' but I don't think it would work for us. I've been planning meals based on what we've already got for practice this month and I'll tell you, we require flexibility with our meal choices. So anyway, we'll see how it actually plays out but I can't wait until next Thursday when we'll do our first grocery trip for the month. To compare: last month our first trip resulted in a $160 bill. This time I'm shooting for between 40-60 bucks based on our list...
Today I updated pictures/recipes at www.peppersandonions.wordpress.com

Leftovers

2009-07-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made calzones. Talk about an experiment. I put cheese and meat and sauce and vegetables on one side of a premade pie crust and folded the other side over. They turned out okay, but I'm not sure I'll make them again. Although if I do I'll be sure to cut vent slits in the tops so the toppings don't have to erupt out like they did this time. We had broccoli soup left over, so I'm taking that for our lunch along with some of the pasta bake that I also made yesterday (www.peppersandonions.wordpress.com) which I'll reheat for dinner tonight...yesterday wasn't as hot so I did a double bake. Saves energy too so that's a plus.
I also spent the rest of this month's food money at Quizos--bullets and sammies. Good deals, though. Now all we've got to do is stick it through with the menu I've made...
I'm hoping to learn the art of the leftover. We don't have a microwave so it's a little more difficult than it might otherwise be, but I think I'll get the hang of it.

so far so good...

2009-07-23T00:39:00.000-07:00

Today had leftovers for lunch--now the pot pie is a goner, and for dinner we had friends over and fed them salad and cheddar broccoli soup in bread bowls. So I went to the grocery store (Food4Less) and spent 10.42 on ingredients. A head of broccoli was .60, eggs 1.72, cream of broccoli soup 1.59 (x2 cans), cream of celery soup .79 (I did this as a filler because I knew I would be adding real broccoli myself and was just needing a little more of the cream filler and thought the celery would be a nice addition plus it saved me about 80 cents. Not much, huh, but heck. It bought the broccoli...) I spent a few minutes in the butter aisle pondering the best deal. We've been paying 3.13 for 8 oz of 'real' butter (made of cream and salt. only.) that's whipped--delicious if you leave it out of the fridge then put it on a bread, but a little harder to work with if you're just cooking. Anyway I checked out the same brand in sticks--same ingredients--and for 16 oz it was 2.98. THAT'S HALF PRICE. And then I found another brand "Tillamook" for 2.50 for 16 oz in the sticks with the same ingredients so of course I bought that one--I'm off to a pretty good start so far, I think, because butter can be a major 'under the radar' expense that I don't want to give up.

How it goes...

2009-07-21T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it is so hot here I feel like I'm basting in sweat. Makes me think there might be something to the 'raw foods' diet, after all...
I am, however, undaunted. After yesterday's lunch of leftover quiche, cream of mushroom soup and fruit with cottage cheese we had a (very) early dinner of sloppy joe pitas (recipe and picture at www.peppersandonions.wordpress.com once I get the laptop from my husband--I'd post it here but I don't know how to make pictures big enough to matter on this site). After yesterday's cooking (I was also boiling some black beans to have on-hand whenever we want) I couldn't bear the thought of heating up the apartment like that again so early in the day so for lunch I had a pita with salad greens, carrots, avocado, ranch and feta and he had a nice cold sandwich. For dinner I've made a pot pie--talk about living from the pantry and usung what you've got--I threw in a can of chicken noodle soup which had celery and carrots as well and the leftover cream of mushroom from yesterday's lunch, chopped up 4 tiny potatoes, finished off an onion in there and diced up 4-5 baby carrots to supplement, plus some spices.
Today has got me thinking that we'll need to allot a certain amount at the beginning for staples to have on hand for snacky meals or those times it's just toooooo hot to cook. I'm thinking $20 bucks for butter, yogurt, sandwich meat, bread...then maybe $25 apiece for the month's eating out so that leaves $20 a week for that week's meals. Possible? I honestly don't know. Worth a shot? Definitely.

I eat challenges for breakfast! (and lunch...and dinner...)

2009-07-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

So I was reading http://www.katheats.com/ last night when I ran across this challenge (http://www.katheats.com/?p=10415) she did with a goal of $126 from Nov.1 through Thanksgiving day for groceries, which they managed for $115, and I said, "WHAT??!!!" and almost fell off the bed.
Once I regained control of myself (and my equilibrium) I yelled to my husband, "She spent $115 on groceries until Thanksgiving! And she has a husband, and I have a husband!..." (I was a little delirious with the potential because as it is we spend about ... $126 *cough* a week.) At first he thought I wanted him to spend $126 *on* Thanksgiving, and then he thought I was accusing him of something but I finally explained it to him, showed him her posts, and we went on a walk and came up with these guidelines:
* I will take out $250 in cash at the beginning of the month, starting in August, with the goal of splitting our current grocery bill clean in half. The reason I'm starting with $250 is because for one thing, it is half, and for another thing, we live in California for now, where pretty much everything is overpriced. I am not convinced that we could eat (well) for less than $200--but I'd love to be proven wrong.
* I will decide some allowance for our eating out (I'm thinking of leaving $50 aside for that and alloting us a certain amount per week--jury's still out).
* We will leave the remaining $250 in the account, just in case we need it.
* Our standard of food will not change. I will not be purchasing only canned food or packaged goods in hopes of saving a buck and we will continue to eat 'all the colors' as we have been. We will continue to purchase food from Trader Joe's and the Farmers Market and Food4Less as needed to supplement.

I think that's about it. Except that also if I am able to do it I will choose a dinner date location and we will go there and eat *well* no matter how much it costs (let's face it: it's not going to cost $250). I work well under a reward system :D. Anyway for two students at the end of their loan disbursement (every 4th month is a challenge to our budget because we get one lump sum at the beginning of the semester and sometimes we are left with bare bones for the final month) this comes at a perfect time.

I'm really excited. I've already been looking at circulars and dreaming about the grocery store. I have also found some recipes that will work with what we've got and I'll be putting up some of my concoctions later. The challenge right now is to spend under $38 for the rest of this month. I spent $7.54 today (a giant box of salad mix, tomato soup, and some black beans in a bag--I'm going to learn how to cook dried beans because they're *so cheap* (like $1.19 for a pound) and stretch *so far*, never mind the health benefits!!) and so far we've had a usual breakfast (we are not wanting for breakfast things, for some reason) and lunch was leftover quiche (tomato, spinach, feta), cream of mushroom soup, cottage cheese, and all that was left of our pears and peaches in the jars. I'm excited to get going--tonight I'm going to work on a menu for the rest of the month and I'll try and put that up later. In the meantime, here is a link to a site I started to show our family some of the things that we eat to give them ideas for their own eating as well as to help them see how we incorporate the various colors into our meals, and it seems like a good place to do pictures of what I come up with for this challenge, as well. I'll update that with pictures tonight when I do the menu. http://www.peppersandonions.wordpress.com/

So that I don't fly away

2009-07-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book right not called Eating Mindfully by Susan Albers and I came across this sentence that really made me pause for a minute:

"Remember that weight is just the number that says how hard gravity has to work to keep you anchored to the earth."

What? Really? That's it? It's such a refreshing, new (for me) way to think of 'weight' that I felt almost instantaneously liberated.

"So you don't climb up and get the scale when your husband's not looking?"

Well, honestly I haven't done that since I read that sentence and it hasn't been on purpose: I didn't say, "Oh that sentence makes me able to never step on a scale again." It just hasn't risen up within me--the need to know how much I weigh.

I do have an idea though because I went for another prenatal appointment on ...what was it... Tuesday? And the number on the scale at the doctor's office was 212. Considering I weight 215 stark naked a few days before (which I discovered as the result a manic scene of carefully extracting and replacing the scale in a matter of seconds because I don't want my husband to worry I'm thinking about my weight too much, which might be), without breakfast and so on. Soon after that day I checked out Eating Mindfully from the library and started writing down what I was eating and if it was mindful or mindless, trying to do it without judgement or feelings. I feel very acutely my responsibilty to the life I am growing. I went back and calculated calories--no *wonder* I was 215. Not to mention I was probably retaining water from too much sodium.

What's the point? The point is that pregnancy is a part of life and if I'm always 'taking time off' from thinking about my relationship with food, when will I ever understand it? When will I ever become comfortable and healthy? This is as good a time as any. I'm not dieting, especially not while pregnant, but I never have 'dieted.'

So many scrambled words to say one thing: Living. That's the key.

AY CARUMBA

2009-07-09T15:18:00.001-07:00

It's a boy! I had the ultrasound this morning and it's a rowdy, rowdy boy who's been doing gymnastics for these past weeks! If you want to know, I'll tell you another thing I did today which was not so wonderful: I climbed up and got that scale and weighed myself.
214.
I immediately regretted it. The climbing, the stepping, the weighing, and also a teeny bit the gaining the weight, but here's the fact, people: I am learning something or at least practicing something: l i s t e n i n g. To my body, to my hungries. I ate about 4 avocados last week. Am I sorry? Actually, no. If I'm going to live in a world where there's food and hunger and nutritional needs to be met, I'm going to LIVE in it. The doctor can scold me in 5 days if she wants (although she never has so far) but I really feel like I'm doing pretty good in terms of quality of food and *most of the time* quantity.
Not to mention my Eastern Nutrition class final was last night and there was so much food I'm hoping that at least, um, 5 of those pounds are from that eating plus also I didn't drink enough water yesterday, according to my dry lips today.
Anyway, by the end of this I might be able to let sleeping scales lie. But we went to Red Lobster today and I thoroughly enjoyed myself without guilt or calorie-counting, regardless of the scale's tales, so I think that's progress.
Back to the point: my little boy is healthy and active. I am a happy, happy girl.

Cat's in the Cradle

2009-05-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

I have gained 20 pounds so far in this pregnancy. About 11 pounds too many according to the charts and internet articles. I find this frustrating for a lot of reasons. First of all, it's 20 pounds. Okay, but I'm pregnant. Second of all, I've gained more than twice as much as what I 'should'. Third of all, who the hell made up the chart to tell me what I 'should' gain so I could feel bad when I went over? I'm afraid of gestational diabetes, I'm afraid what excess weight gain will mean for the baby, I'm afraid that being afraid and stressing out about this will only lead to more problems. In the beginning I figured I'd gain at least 40 pounds. I gained quite a few during the first trimester when I was living on carbs to fend off the sickness. It's not the same as before when I would gain weight. It's not like I'm whooping it up over a pan of brownies. I honestly don't know what's going on. Whenever I eat, I think of the baby. I consider if the baby is getting enough protein, enough Vitamin A, whatever. It may come down to doing a food journal. And I hate doing a food journal. It goes against everything I was trying to teach myself, but this is for a tiny little baby who's depending on me for its health and nutrition as much as it is for myself. And as for those people with the charts--let's just say I could suggest a few places those charts could go.

'Til We Meet Again...

2009-02-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

I'm probably going to knock off with the blogging for awhile. I started it to serve myself on my journey through self-examination and understanding, but my focus right now is just so focused on having a healthy baby that this would turn into more of a pregnancy blog. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not really what I'm after.
I'll check in as the mood strikes, but it hasn't struck much at all lately. I may not be back until I'm ready to lose weight (through mindful eating) again, after the baby is born.

I want to be clear: I still believe everything I already believed. But for me, at this point in the first trimester, I am not able to just eat when I'm 'hungry.' I have to eat so that I'm not dizzy (passed out in class the other day), so I'm not too nauseous to operate, so my blood pressure and blood sugar levels don't get too low, for the health and nutrition of myself, sure, but mostly for the health of my child. So for the first time in my life, I am following a prescribed 'diet' insomuch as how much protein/vegetables/dairy to eat per day, and it's just not interesting enough to blog about.
Anyone wishing to contact me with questions or comments may do so at ereblue@gmail.com

Happy Trails...

Once more for the gipper

2009-02-24T06:47:00.001-08:00

So far this week has been a little rough around the edges. I'm in the middle of finals, which means studying, so I've been exhausted as well as burned-out feeling. Sunday I was sick pretty much all day so I just lay around. Yesterday I was nauseous on and off until around 1, which was handy because I had class at 2. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, when I have class all day.

Last night in class I got this mental whiff of a ham sandwich I used to get from a pizza place at home and I couldn't get it out of my head. So after class we stopped at Subway and I got a ham sandwich from there. It wasn't quite the same but it was close enough. It's funny because never, never would I have thought of eating like that after class--it was going on 10 o'clock--but I was hungry (and this hunger is the kind you have to deal with one way or the other--by eating or by visiting the bathroom...) and it was a ham sandwich (I never eat ham anymore).

So I was reading online (and also my friend told me she'd read the same thing in her nutrition book) that I'll need about 500 more calories per day. She was like, "That's not that many" because she was thinking that people usually just eat and eat more than 500. She is very thin by nature and has probably never counted a calorie in her life. I, on the other hand, think to myself, "500 calories!" because when you are counting, 500 seems like a LOT. If you go over by 500, you feel bad. If you have to go down by 500, it takes some time to adjust. I think somewhere in the old records I used to keep I had a day when I ate 2400 calories. Most recently I was supposed to be eating more than 1800 (this is to allow for some weight loss, not maintenance). So I thought I might keep track of my calories one of these days...

Confirmation

2009-02-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

It's official! I will not even go into all the hassle and stress of yesterday when I was *supposed* to get my pregnancy test confirmed as positive, but I will say that I went in today and it was relatively stress-free and positive. Literally...

So now I'm going to be writing kind of different things here, but also kind of the same. Pregnancy hunger is a wild, wild thing. I want different foods. Nothing absurd, so far, just a lot of chicken and dairy products. We went to the store and bought organic replacements of things like eggs and milk and yogurt. I'm learning a new kind of discipline, though.

My husband and I had talked, long before this news, about our intentions when the time came. We want to give this baby every possible chance at health and proper growth inside and outside the womb, so one thing we wanted to do was no soda during pregnancy, and no high fructose corn syrup. He's doing it with me, so it's not as bad as it would be if I were watching him suck down Coca Colas, but last night it was rather difficult! I already avoid those things, generally, but before I was pregnant (I hate to keep using that word but I can't think of any other way that doesn't sound like I'm from the Middle Ages) if I craved a coke, I got a coke. I didn't always drink all of it, but enough to give me that delightful 'bubbly' feeling.

I am probably going to be more restrictive with myself now than I would be on any diet because before I eat things I think about if I would feed it to a baby...I'm not perfect at it. And this is just the beginning, so I can imagine what the future will hold.

So far in the mornings I wake up and either need food or can't stand the thought of it. This mornign it was both but I finally figured out wheat crackers with peanut butter wouldn't be so bad and might quell the nausea, so that's what I had, with milk. It's hard to tell real hunger from just the feeling of the baby for me. Today I was hungry and didn't realize it. I felt a little faint and had to eat an emergency banana.

I'm still reading through "Feeding the Hungry Heart" by Geneen Roth, and I still think it's applicable. I want to be healthy--with food choices as well as my reasons for eating. I am literally eating for two now, so it's got to count.

You can expect this blog to evolve and probably seem random as the time goes by, but I'm open to questions and will answer honestly and forthrightly.

Best luck to you all, wherever you may be.

BIG news

2009-02-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm pregnant! Pregnant, that is, according to the little test I took this morning. Pregnant according to my symptoms of dizziness, nausea, and abnormal (for me) cravings (mainly chicken and beef jerky). I'm going to take another test tomorrow morning to be double sure.

I'm just not sure what it means--I looked up pregnancy weight gain information according to my current weight and height but I'm going to wait until I speak with a doctor to think much about it. I've gained a pound already, but it's probably because I've just been eating more (so far I have trouble differentiating between hunger and usual pregnancy feelings). The nausea is awkward--I feel like I should be able to fix it with food, so I try, and sometimes it works, sometmes it doesn't. I know it's probably important not to get too hung up on weight when you're pregnant but it's also important not to gain too much so I'm going to just...take things as easy as I can...

Pregnant!

3 celebrations

2009-02-16T06:55:00.001-08:00

Last night I was thinking of whether or not I am making in progress in the way of personal development, and I came up with 3 examples from the past week that encouraged me:
1) A few nights ago I wasn't hungry but I was foraging, because it was "dinner time" so I got out one of those Chinese takeout meals that you can microwave. I don't have a microwave so I put some water on the stove. By the time it had started boiling I realized I wasn't hungry so I turned the water off and put the package back in the cabinet.
2) The next day I had just finished a bowl of cocoa pebbles, again in the evening, and I thought I might like some Honey Smacks. As I was pouring the bowl, I realized that not only was I not hungry, but also if I were to eat these, I would probably get a little nauseous. So I put them back in the box.
3) Last night (this is a pattern, I suppose :) ) I was eating some of the cake I made for Valentine's Day. I had a whole piece (not too big, not too small) in a plastic container. I ate half of it, slowly and with attention, like I've been trying to do, and I heard myself say in a very small voice from deep inside, "That's enough, thank you." It kind of shocked me, "But that was so little--I can have this whole thing if I want it plus the other one in the fridge!" But I didn't want it. So I let it sit there beside me a minute and when I knew I really was satisfied, I put it back.

It's an interesting thing, learning to hear myself.

Thank God for thick ankles

2009-02-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

I have thick ankles. I have always had thick ankles, as have most of the women in my father's family. Last night, those ankles saved me. I was frolicking across the road (literally) and I didn't see the chunk of pavement that was lying in my path. So when I hit it full on, my ankle reeled straight over. A lesser woman, or at least a woman with lesser ankles, would have suffered a sprain for sure. As for me, it was nothing that a little walking it off and acupuncture the following morning couldn't cure. I'm good as new with no swelling, and no doctor's bill! I never thought I'd be grateful for these ankles of mine, but I guess I was wrong!

Conundrum

2009-02-13T13:34:00.000-08:00

Here is a dilemma: what do you eat when you're hungry, but not hungry *for* something? For example, I just come home. It's past lunch time. All I know is I'm hungry. I ate a chocolate and a half from the Valentine's box because I can't think of anything else to eat (we're going out to eat so I don't want to have too much, just enough to squash the hungries). But those things make me feel a little nauseous so I dig around and find a neon yellow lemon pie yogurt from the fridge. Again, not something I really *want* but I don't know what I do want, so I eat about 3/4 of it and it seems to do the job. I am not sure if I am just not super in tune with my body or if maybe there are just times when I get hungry and just need to eat something. And that makes me wonder: do most people experience cravings when they're going to eat or do most people just experience hunger and pretty much anything will do. It occurs to me that it would be easy to eat healthy food if you didn't care *what* you ate as long as you ate...

On a random note, I think I somehow flagged my own blog for objectionable content...probably I was confused, dizzy from the hunger.

I guess I'll go dump the rest of this yogurt out now. I'm not sure that stuff will keep.

"Fat or Fiction"

2009-02-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

This is how it always goes for me: eat pizza, gain weight. Last night we ordered a philly cheese steak pizza and I wasn't actually very hungry so I got one piece, chewed it slowly, and finished. I did want more so I took a bite off a corner of another piece and that was enough. I wake up this morning to 187 pounds. Here is another true thing: when I lose weight I lose it in waves. If you look at any of the weight charts I've got posted you'll see that there is this steady rise and fall--my weight dips to a new low then rises but not usually quite as high as it had been, and then falls below the low and it goes on and on this way. I am in the habit of stepping on the scale every morning. I am not sure if that is a healthy habit to have. I think I'm going to try to wean myself, starting today. I'll shoot for every other day instead...
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/diet/toss-scale-diet-jun 07?click=main_sr
(an article about scale addiction).

Off the wagon

2009-02-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

Some months ago, I was randomly watching the Tyra Banks show. Her guests were talking about eating disorders and one young lady was very thin, and still disgusted by the 'big hips and legs' (just bones and skin as far as I could see) she sees in the mirror. They had some clips of her at home and one day she was in her room, very angry, and she said, "Do you know what I just did? I just went and ate a biscuit. A freaking biscuit! So stupid!" And she turned her face to the wall.

At the time, I remember thinking how sad and how strange to be so upset over a biscuit, especially since it was just one and especially since she needed food anyhow...

Now, however, looking back and thinking of myself I wonder how many times I've behaved similarly. How many times have I punished myself for eating a freaking brownie or having a Coke?

It is one thing to make healthy choices because you want to feed your body nourishment that it can use. It is another thing to berate yourself and choose health as if it were some sort of punishment for some awful thing you've done.

I think the "trick" is to treat food like what it is: something we need to keep our bodies going. It's nourishment. It's not a person who can love us one day and hate us the next, it has no feelings toward us whatsoever. Would you keep yourself in an intimate relationship with someone if you were the only one feeling *anything*?

So last night I ate a brownie. With chocolate ice cream. And caramel. And whipped cream. And nuts. And you know what? It was good. The other half of coming to see food as what it is, is being able to recognize when you're using food for some other purpose (in this case soothing myself because it's about that time of the month), and liking--loving yourself anyway.

You can't fall off a wagon if you're not riding one.

The art of chewing

2009-02-10T10:53:00.000-08:00

Last night in Biochem, the professor was talking about chewing. Chewing, apparently, increases the surface area of the food which means more enzyme availability, and we can digest that well-chewed food with more ease. So then there's not this big lump of food laying around in your stomach trying to be digested.

I had noticed that trying to pay attention and see when I was satisfied was much more simple when I chewed the food well. It also helps me stay with myself--chewing the food more than five times means paying attention to see how it feels in my mouth, and if it's been properly prepared for the rest of my body to process. Being kind to yourself, not punishing yourself, plays out in many ways--it can mean you can eat whatever you want, it allows room for you to be 'full' and not feel like you have to eat everything, but it also helps you to be kind to your body--taking in food that will help you live better, and chewing that food up so your body, which you're being kind to, can use it in the best way possible.

2009-02-08T11:06:00.001-08:00

A year or so ago my family doctor retired and I asked my mother to retrieve my records from his office. I wanted to know about my weight history. This is what I found:

Age Weight (lbs)
01----28
03----56
04----63
05----80
06----97
07---112
08---118
09---137
10---175
11---203
12---218
14---225
15---222
16---218
21---226
22---231

Beyond the Dr.'s records, I know that my highest weight, when I was probably 23 or 24, was 242.5 and here I am. On my way to being smaller than I was when I was 10 years old. It's unbelievable. I still don't understand it, but I'm interested in myself now. That's one difference that I can recognize.

186.6

2009-02-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

186.6 was my weight this morning, one week after I started my non-diet. I'm stupefied. One week ago I weight 190 and was making progress in both directions--I'd lose two pounds, gain 3 pounds, lose one pound, gain a pound...hovering right on top of 190, much to my dismay.

It seems to me that every time I have a major milestone (apparently, every ten pounds), it takes a major event for me to break through. The biggest milestone for me was getting over the 200 pound hump and it took FOR-EV-ER. And do you know what finally did it? One night, after having eaten one of those "mix some water in this plastic bowl filled with powder, microwave it and presto a cake" things (which I have since determined not worth my attention), I was feeling a little dry so I downed 2 glasses of water straight and went to bed. The next morning I awoke early to what I have heard referred to as "sudden turmoil." All day long my body was purging itself and it wasn't until 2 days later that I felt back to normal. And the next time I got on the scale I was under 200 for good. I often wondered if maybe the sickness was my body getting over the hump. Don't get me wrong, I hope it never happens again like that--it was pure misery--but that's how I got over my last hump, and trying to trust myself with food is how I got past 190. I'm a little afraid, being so sure like this, but I feel like 190 is gone. I'm going to keep it up, going to carry on with eating when I'm hungry, and eating what I crave, and stopping when I'm full. I'm not going to count calories again this week and...well, next Sunday, we'll see if I've maintained or lost or what...I haven't been this weight since I don't know when. Maybe in my next post I'll record my weight history.

Pizza pit

2009-02-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

So my experiment continues. Today I had about 3/4 of an english muffin with egg and some pancake syrup, about 3/4 of an odwalla bar, green peppers and onions and tomoato and pickles and 2 slices of provolone on half of a bun (started out with a whole bun but the mayo I used on the top half was gross so the whole top half had to go), quite a bit of caramel popcorn which I made last night, 3 pieces from a symphony bar with toffee and almonds, and tonight? My biggest challenge: pizza. Oh, pizza pizza pizza. The delicious thing I cannot resist and can not stop eating, though full I become! I made BBQ chicken pizza with green peppers and onions (very delicious and hit the spot, very nice) and I ate more than I wanted--I ate until my stomach was full and a little distended. But I'm not sorry, because what I'm trying to teach myself is that nothing is off limits. I'm hoping then that I will somehow come to BELIEVE that every meal is not my last, that there is more, that I am provided for, and everything is alright.
Anyway, we'll see. I'm going to try to upload an image of my weight chart since I've started this adventure. I'm so interested in trying to find out about myself, my cravings, my hunger, trying to be good at acknowledging the thing that gnaws at my insides, trying to learn when it's a need for food and when it's a need for something else. Trying to learn what that something else might be.

Blast from the Past

2009-02-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

I have a little notebook I keep my things about weight loss in. When I first thought I'd like to intentionally lose weight, I bought this little silver notebook and a bunch of colored gel pens to record my food intake because I read that was the place to start. Now I keep my measurements in there--I measure my waist, hips, legs, about once a month because that helps me see that I am making progress. Anyway here is some of the early writing I did, recording my information. It goes a little something like a-this:

110 cereal
45 milk
200 bread and cheese
340 low calorie ice cream
48 4 pringles
645 gnocci and sauce
45 milk
120 rice krispie treat
9o rice krispie treat
100 choc. rice krispie treat
450 3 snackwells
158 4 pringles with 1 oz. cheese
100 gatorade

Something close to 2500 calories and what's the truth is that not much of it is real food. Most of it is me, trying to be good to myself while I was trying to lose weight...

And here is a list from around 2000 calories, when I was recording the times at which I ate:

9:16 am Wheatgrass 10
10:10 am cereal/milk 265
11:42 am toast/apple butter 140
12:26 pm 1 breadstick 70
12:50 pm 2 snackwells 100
3:05 pm baked potato 385
btw 3-3:15
2 breadsticks 140
spaghetti 270
rice krispie treat 90
star crunch 150
5:41 pm peaches/cottg ch. 145
7:00 pm noodle nibbles (?) 100
8:00 pm bread/pnt butter 105
8:37 pm brd/pnbt/applesce 85

When I look back at these foods and times I see two main things: I was eating what I consider 'diet foods' (things portioned off into 100 calories or near to it, peanut butter, cottage cheese) but it wasn't enough, I think, because I ate more of those foods than I probably would have of 'regular' foods. The other thing I see is that in those days, I was really hungry around 3 pm. And you know what? That hasn't changed. I still get very hungry around 3:00.
The difference is that I've slowly and surely learned to let myself eat when I was hungry as opposed to at the times I thought were supposed to be set aside for meals. The trouble, for me, with eating at meal times is I'm not usually hungry then, but I take in the food anyway, and then have to eat again when I do get hungry.

Update on eating

2009-02-04T17:41:00.001-08:00

Here is an update on how it's been: eating when I'm hungry, eating what I want, stopping when I'm full. (Those are my rules and they're surprisingly simple to follow.) Actually, I'm not sure how to update it, except I feel happy, doing it this way: living like a person who uses food to feed the hunger it was meant for. The author of the book said that I might gain some weight the first little bit I let myself eat things without all the pressure to keep myself in check, but I haven't noticed anything so far. That is not to say that I am without exercise! During my run of calorie counting days, I got to liking the riding the bicycle and sweating, getting my heart rate up, especially while watching TV. In a week I'm going to post my "before" (as in before I stopped counting calories) weight and "after a week" weights, just to see. I'll probably also give some history of my weight, although I'm not sure if there's anybody reading this stuff. Anybody out there?

Cats like angels

2009-02-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

Cats like angels
by Marge Piercy

Cats, like angels, are supposed to be thin;
pigs, like cherubs, are supposed to be fat.
People are mostly in between, a knob
of bone sticking out in the knee you
might like to pad, a dollop of flab hanging
over the belt. You punish yourself,
one of those rubber balls kids have
that come bouncing back off their own
paddles, rebounding on the same slab.
You want to be slender and seamlessas a bolt.
When I was a girl
I loved spiny men with ascetic grimaces
all elbows and words and cartilage
ribbed like cast up fog-grey hulls,
faces to cut the eyes blind
on the glittering blade, chins
of Aegean prows bent on piracy.
Now I look for men whose easy bellies
show a love for the flesh and the table,
men who will come in the Kitchen
and sit, who don't think peeling potatoes
makes their penis shrink; men with broad
fingers and purple figgy balls,
men with rumpled furrows and the slightly
messed look at ease of beds recently well used.
We are not all supposed
to look like undernourished fourteen year
old boys, no matter what the fashions
ordain. You are built to pull a cart,
to lift a heavy load and bear it,
to haul up the long slope, and so
am I, peasant bodies, earthly, solid
shapely dark glazed clay pots that can
stand on the fire. When we put our
bellies together we do not clatter
but bounce on the good upholstery.

How do I feel...

2009-02-03T06:37:00.000-08:00

And it came to pass that this was the fate of the cupcake:
I ate about 2/3 of it then thought I might be full enough to stop. So I drank more coffee and that pink-topped cupcake sat on the plate (I put in on a little plate. I think that is more nurturing than gobbling from your hand over the sink) for about 30 minutes before my husband came home and ate it.

I had a little hunger around 11:00. I didn't want anything in particular so I had 1/4 of a cliff's bar because I knew we were going for Chinese later. And so we did at 12. I had vegetable lo mein. Then I went to class and had some more for dinner and then the rest for between-classes hunger. When I came home I ate a piece of chocolate.

And that's it. It was surprisingly simple...I tried not to think about it, but sometimes I thought about how free I was feeling.

If I say I didn't count the calories it would be something of a lie. I guess once you've been doing something for 2 years it becomes a little automatic; but I didn't count them during the day. And by the time I figured it out at night, I'm pretty sure it was just under what I'm 'supposed' to have to lose 2 pounds a week.

And here comes day 2!

Cupcakes for breakfast??

2009-02-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

8:54 am
I am in the process of eating a cupcake. And coffee. With caramel creamer. For breakfast. I am not eating it right now, while I'm typing, because that would not allow me to be with myself. I'm trying to figure out if I'm full yet. It's hard to tell.

I think I might be on a diet

2009-02-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

I was going to title this post (the, uh, one I couldn't wait 12 hours after my first post to make...) "for anyone who'd like to know" and talk all about what I think is going on with me and why, but the subject on my mind is a little more pressing. I've been reading a book called, Feeding the Hungry Heart. The author believes that to diet is to tell yourself that you are, at your very core, untrustworthy; that if left to your own devices, you will devour the world, that there's a monster inside you that must be controlled.

I count calories. I've been counting calories, off and on, for about 2 years. I don't really think of what I'm doing as being "on a diet." I've called it "awareness." And "paying attention." Of course, what it is is counting calories. And I think the part that matters, regardless of whether I call it a diet or a way of living, is that it makes me feel frantic. There is a part of me, when I am counting calories, that feels the need to be sneaky. For example, I never go so far as to record all my exercise so that I can sneak in some food that goes unrecorded, yet abides by my calorie rules. I have gained and lost the same 5 pounds (give or take 2) since October. So I thought, for an experiment, I would try what the book recommends: noticing when you are hungry, irrespective of conventional meal times, eating what you want, when you want, and stopping when you are no longer hungry. I'm not sure I fully know how to be with myself as I'm eating, but I'm going to try it. My goal is to do it at least a week, but I'm just going to think of it one day at a time. So it starts today, this morning. I will both eat and exercise when I want to. Tolly-ho!

I don't know if anybody is even reading this yet, but if you are, and if you live eating and exercising as you'd like, please let me know. I'd like to hear someone say it's possible.

I made a blog!

2009-02-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

Holy smokes, I made a blog! I want a place to put my thoughts with the opportunity to make sense to someone else, to anyone who might wander in here from the vast Internet. And now, a poem:

"St. Francis and the Sow"
by Galway Kinnell

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessaryto reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flowerand retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as St. Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.